Hannah Hayward

We've come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good.

Fri, 14 Aug 09 18:10:47 +0200

I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should.

My last blog over here! It's been a really hectic week, I've been sick with flu since Saturday and saw the doctor on Tuesday who scared the living daylights out of me by telling me I had all the symptoms of Swine Flu. She treated me for it but told me there was a possibility I might not be able to fly home, which was pretty shocking news. I am all better now and didn't have swine flu, but even if I had, it is just flu at the end of the day. They are extremely jumpy about it over here though, our project leader freaked out because his wife and two kids had flu.
In short, I missed most of this week with the kids and got the A-ok from the doctor this morning so was able to go to the project, and it was amazing. A mad day, but the end feeling was that everyone had gotten something positive out the experience. I can't stop myself smiling at the moment. After yesterdays horrible wind and rain, the sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in sight which set the tone perfectly. After not having seeing me for two days and thinking I wasn't going to come back, the kids were so pleased to see me, it was wonderful.
Everyone was busy cleaning the toilets; which was amazing to see because it was what we had wanted to do since we first saw them, by the time I got there though, most of the dirty work was out of the way and so I got stuck in sweeping the drains. A few people earlier had been literally covered in faeces, which isn't exactly tasty but I guess that is what happens when 100 kids a day don't flush a toilet.
I had bought balloons, sweeties a big bubble maker and some school stuff like pens, pencils, paints etc... And the kids loved it, all the volunteers had brought something, cake or temporary tattoos or hair accessories. What disappointed us was that whilst cleaning, of of the kids had gone through Marlies' bag after she had given them a sweet and they had taken the rest of the bag and some of the hair pins. Throughout the entire 3 weeks we had not once been robbed, but today was shocking. There was also ten rand missing from the desk drawer and so the last 15 minutes of our day was sadly spent searching the kids. We found out who had taken the money, but nothing else. It made us feel slightly abused, we'd brought presents and things for everyone, so they all would have gotten things, but this still happens. We did have a lovely day apart from that though, there were kids that were new to me as I had been away for 2 days but they were very open and sweet so everyone had a happy day. What made me joyful was the realisation that these kids no longer had to be reminded to use manners, and would automatically say "thank you", for me that is an achievement.
There were a lot of tears though, even the boys were crying, bless them. It was a bittersweet day. The project leader was singing to us and we had received personal messages from his wife as a thank you and we just started and the waterworks didn't stop. Seeing the kids crying on the other side of the classroom was really hard for us all, by the end of the song we ended up holding a few of them. After the song the kids gave us cards they had made for us, which were really sweet. There was a lot of group hugging and one girl in particular was asking me if we'd ever forget them. She was so upset she was shaking. She'd been in my class, Christelle, and she'd had a very hard life having lost her mother as a small child. A very bright, young, beautiful girl with an awful lot of love to give, I wanted her to come back to England with me. I wanted them all to come back to England with me, but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I really can't believe that 3 weeks have flown by so quickly, and that I've made such deep connections with people I shall probably never see again. I hope to stay in contact with them, there are plenty of photos they will all want to see anyway!
And so I guess this is the end. Tonight we are going out to dinner and then maybe clubbing; just another way to say goodbye! I truly felt like I've learnt so much, not only about myself, but also about the world and life itself, but there is no way I can get all of that jumbled up information from my mind and heart into a weblog. So I'm not going to say anymore, I hope that if you read this maybe you'll get a taste of what it was like over here, but it's very hard to make words come to life and explain things without losing the soul or the meaning within them. The word "perfect" isn't a big enough word to describe something that is truly flawless, "love" is not a big enough word for how much love you feel for a certain person or people. I truly think that if you want to know how it feels, go and do it yourself, don't just take someone else's opinion or experience at face value, go and find your own.

This is Hannah Hayward, signing off and getting off of her soapbox.

If only I could meet the maker.

Mon, 10 Aug 09 19:25:51 +0200

Sorry I've not blogged in a little while, it has been hectic and working is exhausting, but that's not to say I don't love it.
What I am reminded of every day here is that nothing is as it seems. Here the children will wait on highways begging for money every time the traffic lights turn red, pleading for money for their sick little brother and then you will see their parents waiting for them a little way down the road collecting the money from them. The biggest smack in the face that I have experienced apart from the poverty is one about faith. I am not a believer in God, I am a humanitarian through and through. This is not to say I believe in nothing; I believe that the soul is like a battery, an energy, and it is science that tells us energy cannot be killed, just changed into something else. When we die, our energy gets recycled into the universe and it becomes part of the bigger picture. I believe that we choose whether we want to be good or bad people and if you are a good person your energy will do good and your soul taken care of. I have struggled with Christianity for many reasons, which I am not going to go into, but over here I thought I had found a different kind of Christianity. Faith is celebrated here; it is something that is free and brings joy to so many, and I have the utmost respect for it because of that.
A few days ago however, after we had all sung gospel songs with the children, which I love to do because you see them all laughing and forgetting themselves for a while. After the songs, our project leader gave a speech, most of which was in Afrikaans but then changed into English. He said that he hoped "the volunteers could find God and that we must all give thanks that they have come to help us in the name of Jesus." This speech left us feeling slighly uncomfortable as none of us came in the name of Jesus. When we had a minute I said this to him and tried to explain how I felt. I came to this project in anyone else's name but mine, I wanted the children to know that there are good people all over the world, and I wanted to try to be a good person. He asked me if I thought I was a good person. I struggled with this, I said, yes, I try to be a good person everyday, and the fact I keep on trying, even though sometimes it's hard, will make me a good person. He told me the bible says there is not one good person. I refuse to accept this but keep it to myself, not wishing to offend his beliefs. He asks me what my experience is with Christianity, I tell him, and I also tell him that I was told once by my favourite teacher that I could try to live the best life I could but if I did not believe, I would go to hell when I died. I told him that I refused to believe in something that used fear and threats to convert people. He laughed a little in a sad but knowing way and said that he felt sorry for me that I wouldn't find inner peace and that it wasn't a threat, but the truth.
I was struggling not to cry at that moment, made my excuses and left. This was a man whom I had thought was the first good christian I had ever met, one that could laugh and accept people and be a role model for anyone that met him. I felt so disappointed and upset; how does one human being have the right to tell another how they should live? I did not come on some kind of crusade, so why should I feel like I have been punished for how I do or don't feel? I had a realisation that although Christians accept a person of any colour, personality or disability, but they will discriminate against those who do not believe in the same way as they do.
On another matter, the children are blossoming beautifully, getting used to us and using their manners without having to be reminded, which always makes me happy. The amount of children in class every day changes though, so it is hard to prepare for a certain amount of kids and then you find that you've got two more and their English is either very good or very bad. In their work as well, they are all at opposite ends of the spectrum. This last week we are taking them on an excursion to the beach, where we will have a briaar and a celebration of mine and Marlies' (fellow volunteer) birthdays, which coincidentally fall on the same day this month.
I have unfortunately caught a nasty cold from one of the kids, and have had to prescribe myself some bedrest, but hopefully tomorrow I shall feel a whole lot better.

There's no combination, no words I could put on the back of a postcard.

Sat, 01 Aug 09 18:28:57 +0200

Well, I'm sure people will be glad to know that this week has just gotten better and better. I've settled more into teaching and am enjoying it so much that maybe it's time for think about the future. I'm working predominantly with a group of 3 of the older kids, Rudi, Christelle and Christaline and they are wonderful. This week I taught them about the use of capital letters, plurals, punctuation marks and how HIV/AIDS can be spread. Sometimes they find it hard to grasp a certain concept and so we spent an hour on thursday finding descriptive words for each letter of our name. The same boy who asked me for money, Rudi is very smart and is very quick to understand things and started straight away, but the words he used to describe himself filled me with sadness; Rude, Unhappy, Dead and Ill. I had a little talk with him and asked him to look at it from another perspective and all the good things about himself. He had to think about it for a while but then he came up with Responsible, Unstoppable/Unbeatable, Driven to play soccer and Incredible/Invincible. I asked him how the words made him feel and he said when he read them, he felt them, and that made me feel like I'd done a good job.
Thursday was really nice because once the little ones had gone home, the older kids the rest of us played a game where we were each given a smiley face with the word, "compliment" on it and were asked to give them to someone we felt deserved a compliment. I got some amazing feedback from the kids in my class and also Bridget and Jolien told me I was doing really well. I was also given the opportunity to make the kids feel good about themselves which is something you can't really do in class in case the other kids think you favour one over another. It was also wonderful to be able to tell Franklin, Bridget and Jolien how much I admired their work without seeming a bit cheesy.
One of the little ones, Lorenzo, who is 5 was really sick on thursday and had to be taken home. He seems to have a permanent cold, but he was really tired and ended up messing his pants. His mother was advised by Franklin to take him to the hospital on Friday and not go to school but the next morning he was back again and seemed to be better. He was running around the playground and saying, "Please", "Thank you" and, "Good morning" like I remind him to, but he started coughing and physically couldn't stop. Franklin did a bit of an examination of his chest and heard how his lungs were sounding and although he didn't say anything you could see that he was really concerned. I hope that he is taken to the hospital this weekend, and there isn't anything terribly wrong with him.
Friday was a really fun day for the kids though, and we played a lot of games and there was a lot of laughter, I even managed to get Delano(the little boy who had been so violent towards me) to use manners and say sorry and shake hands with the other kids if he hurt them or took things from them. I also got to teach my kids about self respect and although I feel like it got through to them, like with all things, they'll learn with repetition.
As a group we all want to do so much for the school and the kids, the playground is covered, literally with broken glass and rubbish and we would love to clean it up. The toilets are also atrocious, our classroom is right next to the girls toilets and the smell in the mornings is sickening, I'm glad I have a strong stomach. Everyday our programme gets the kids to do a hygeine check where we look for clean hands, and ears and then the kids get to brush their teeth and I brought along baby wipes which I've told the kids they can earn by being polite and concentrating in class. I wish I could have filmed the minutes as they were cleaning their faces, ears and necks with them, they were so happy. They all kept smelling their clean hands and it was so bittersweet to watch.
Today we all went to Addo Elephant Park and it was such a wonderfully chilled day. There was so much beauty around us for miles and miles that I couldn't believe we were in the same country as the townships with the burnt down shacks and children peeing in the street. A smaller portion of our group decided to have a tour in a jeep and it was amazing. We saw Elephants about a metre away from us, mongoose, Monkeys, Cape Buffalo, Warthogs and Satin Starlings. But the view was just as gorgeous as the animals, and so refreshing.
We're all going clubbing tonight and then to the flea market and maybe a church tomorrow. I hope everyone is well.

Love is a verb, love is a doing word.

Tue, 28 Jul 09 17:25:15 +0200

There is so much so say, everyday brings so many new stories to tell, so I'm going to try and condense this into something short but sweet.
So Thursday we all went to a big Soccer game, the Orlando Pirates vs the Kaizer Chiefs. You could see and hear people walking to the game for at least a mile(or a km as they do things here) before we got to the game and when we did it was jam-packed. There was so much noise and so many people; the atmosphere was amazing. I've never been a fan of soccer because of the violence it seems to breed in England so I was a little wary, but any negative feelings were soon dispersed and I really got into it. It was in the New Nelson Mandela Stadium so I am now a part of history and that really is something. What was fantastic to see were the fans of both teams mixed everywhere, hugging and congratulating each other when the other team scored. At the end of the game when the Chiefs won (of course) there was no bad feeling from the other side. Everyone was still really hardcore fans and into the game, but there was an amazing feeling of acceptance and happiness.
Friday we got to see the projects and although I was in the wrong program I still had a great day. There are some truly inspirational people alive. This one woman, Rasheda had a story that really touched me. She was born and raised a Muslim and also comes from a family of doctors. She was disowned by her parents and 5 siblings when she fell in love with a Christian man as a young girl. She is now 30 years old with 3 children and truly happy with her decision. Her parents both passed away from medical problems, some genetic and they never truly accepted her. Rasheda trained as a nurse for two years to go into the family profession but is currently unemployed. I had to tell the whole group how much I admired them all for joining the project so that they could better themselves and find jobs as secretaries or PA's. There was so much pride in all of the people, people that are living in awful conditions and must feel like it is never-ending.
We all went out friday night clubbing to relieve some stress and bond a little more and it was pretty wonderful. The next evening we were invited to a Briarr (a traditional South African BBQ) by a local boy Moweto who had taken us on a tour of PE. It was one of the happiest two hours of my life and I will never forget it. The children were all dancing and playing and the adults were all helping prepare the food and chatting. The Briaar was in celebration of Moweto's nephew whose birthday it was. It was crazy to see the little girls dancing like adults and shakin' their booties and then the boys standing outside wearing sunglasses and ski-hats just being incredibly happy whilst we were standing in this tiny house with the walls crumbling and the roof made of corrugated iron. Lulu (Moweto's mother) said to me, "we're poor but we're so happy" and everyone laughed. They lived in what I can only described as a tiny community, a few "houses" with their doors facing each other and a single toilet no bigger than a portaloo. The music was loud and there were about 40 people, made up of neighbours, friends, family and then us volunteers. Everyone was so warm and welcoming and the children were playing with my hair and playing with me and by the end of the night I had a little girl who latched onto me and I carried her on my back until we had to leave-and by that time she had fallen asleep. When we got in the car Nick told us that one of the boys wearing ski-hats had pulled out a big knife to show the other boys and had told him he carried it everywhere. The boy was 13. The whole experience was indescribable.
On sunday we went to Monkey Land and Birds of Eden, about 2 hours drive away and had a really relaxed day, looking at the monkeys and exotic birds and it was gorgeous. In South Africa there is no escape from abuse of some kind though, there was a little "Special Monkey" center, which held monkeys that had had a horriffic life and been mistreated by their owners. There was Tarzan and Jane, who had been fed a diet only of fast food and so were addicted and there was Prince Charming who had a nervous tick and was constantly moving or scratching whenever he saw people. He also had a broken hip from where his owners had beaten him with sticks.
Yesterday was amazing for me because it was the first day at the Back 2 School project and so it was really hands-on with the littler kids. With these children were were told that if you aren't firm with them when you first meet them they won't take you seriously and walk all over you. I learnt this in the first 15 minutes of being there when 2 brothers started misbehaving. Delano (who is 5) was burping and talking and being disruptive when we were listening to a story, so I took him outside and tried to say simply that he was being rude and he needed to say sorry. He carried on burping in my face and I couldn't get through to him. Thankfully Franklin (a project leader) spoke to him and made him apologise and shake my hand, but he kept on doing it. At break-time his brother Delmaine was extremely rude and I told him it was unacceptable. Delmaine understands English quite well, he's a really intelligent little boy but when he grows up all he wants to be is a gangster. Delmaine was climbing up a tree and refused to come down when lessons started again, so I stood outside and he demanded that I take a picture of him in the tree or he wouldn't come down. I told him plainly that I refused to be threatened by him and if he wasn't down by the time I counted to ten then I would tell the other volunteers to not take pictures of him for the whole time of being here. He came down pretty fast then and started talking to me about action movies. It's really hard to get him talking and using manners.The other children were brilliant though and seem really eager to learn as much as they can from us.
Today was really hard for me though, we started with a hygeine check, hair, ears and then the children were each given a toothbrush with their names on for every morning at school. Delmaine was going through the rubbish and found one and he hid it from us. We knew that wasn't his toothbrush so I asked him if we could see it with his name on. He got really defensive until I asked him to see it so he could prove to me that it was his and he hadn't stolen one from another child, which he and his brother do often. He showed me and it was an old mouldy toothbrush, so i said to him, "you're only going to get one toothbrush, Delmaine, you can have the dirty one or you can have a clean new one." I really thought he was beginning to listen to me but then he acted up again and Franklin had to send him out. Instead of taking a time out though, he left to go home. Delano started being violent to the other children and then they started to copy him in the same way he copies his brother. I took him outside the class and we had a stare off. I held out my hand for him to shake and asked him to apologise and he hit me and kicked me. I found this really difficult so took him inside again, but he just carried on doing it. In front of everyone I knelt down with him and told him to say sorry and shake my hand and he hit me again. I held both his arms so he couldn't but he kept kicking me and then started pulling my hair and burping at me. I was so upset and shocked but I stuck at it and everyone was watching him and Jolene explained to him why he couldn't do what he did and asked him to apologise. I let go of him and held out my hand and he hit me again. It was so hard to be so strict on him and he finally said sorry and shook my hand and I had to accept and smile because otherwise he wouldn't learn that people will accept it.
I also had an English lesson with the kids and I taught them about capital letters, before we started a boy who was always well-mannered and quiet, Rudi said to me, "If I do this good can you give me R5?". I had to explain to him why not, but it was so shocking. Later on after the lesson other children were banging on the door begging for left over bread from the lunch that the project provides for the kids. It was so sad but we have to turn them down, and it was comforting to know that the school does give them food anyway. Christelle (14) was washing up as she does everyday when a boy started shouting at her through the door and she opened it to confront him. He started punching and kicking her and I started shouting at him to stop it and told her to go back in the classroom when he picked up a rock and made like he was going to hit her with it. I have no doubt that he would have hit her with that rock as hard as he could, these kids have no fear. I told him "Don't you dare" and that I would tell the head-teacher and his teacher and he walked away. There were about 30 kids standing outside the classroom and Jolene and Franklin weren't around at the time so I handled it as best I could, but I'm still so shaken up. These are just kids and I can't escape the violence and the hate and anger in their eyes.
I think I'll write again after a better day, but there were a lot of good times today, the girls and Antonio did my hair and we all sang and hugged after school, I'm probably just tired.
Til' next time!

So I am here...

Wed, 22 Jul 09 19:48:29 +0200

And everything is pretty fantastic. There is so much to say about it all, but I don't quite have enough time!
The weather is wonderful, but today it was very windy and colder, it is of course their winter here, and the sun goes down very quickly making it suddenly cold at about 6.
There aren't many local small cafe's, they are all quite big and next to shopping centres, so I am hoping that we will soon have a Briarr(BBQ) and a local boy Moweto (I think that is the spelling) says he will cook for us traditional Xhosa food which would be lovely. In return I will cook an English roast and the Dutch volunteers are cooking Hutspot so it will be interesting for everyone to share their home food. I am very blessed with the other volunteers, they are very considerate and sweet and we are very much like-minded.
So many things are different from England, even in this incredible heat, all the men wear ski hats and jumpers. Everyone is so helpful, they always want to do things for you, but it is mostly because after they can and will demand payment.

Today we went on a tour led by some locals, and it was amazing, but also very eye-opening for everyone. We travelled to Bethelsdorp which is a very poor coloured area and for houses, the people all live in shacks. They are made out of scrap iron and the roof's are kept from being blown off by the wind by old tyres and anything to hand. The government have issued and are building houses, but these houses are no bigger than a garden shed with two rooms and sometimes they are unfinished with people living in them. Some of these houses have no roofs when the people are told it is finished and so they move in to a house with no shelter from the wind and rain. Many houses and buildings have been burnt down and you still see that they are inhabited, with no windows or a door.
We also went passed and eventually stopped at a Gravesite. They stretched out so far until the only houses on the other side looked almost like doll houses. Most of these graves seemed fresh and the soil was very clay-like, so it is hard for it to ever settle, making all of the mounds look fresh, as if many people have died at once. What was extremely hard for me, was that a lot of these graves were small and that of young children, the one that struck me most was a grave for a young child and the stone said, "We shall meet again, never to part again." and the child had been six years old. School had just finished and the children were all walking home in their uniforms and because it is a shortcut they always walk through the graveyard. The symbolocism of a walking, laughing child with their friends on their way home and the small mounds just 2 ft away from me was heartbreaking.
Michael (one of the guides) told us that we must remember these children are still happy, and they still laugh and love, because to them, they are not in a terrible situation; that is all they know. He also said that we must not try to help by giving food or money, and he described why beautifully. He said that a moth coming out of its cocoon is struggling so much and taking such a long time that a person might feel sorry for it and help it tear the cocoon. Once out of the cocoon a moth will spread its wings for the first time, and die. The moth will die because it's heart is not strong enough, it needs to have had the physical experience of breaking out of it's cocoon for it's heart to grow strong enough for it to be able to fly. I think this is a lesson we can all learn and it can apply to every journey in life.

I hope everyone is well! Til' next time x